” Excuse me, but what kind of people are there in this city?” The old woman looked up at him and replied “And what kind of people lived in the village which you came from, young man?”.

“In the village which I came from … hmmm. There were terrible people, nasty, greedy, selfish and uncaring”.

“Then young man, “replied the old woman, “this is exactly what you will find in this village”. The following day, another traveller approached the town and asked the old woman the same question. “Tell me, what kind of people live here in this town”. The old woman looked up at him and replied once again: “And what kind of people lived in the village which you came from, young man?”.

“In the village I came from, there are only kind and generous folk – hardworking, considerate and very caring of each other”.

“Then no doubt you’ll find the people of this village to be the same”.

Originally developed in the USA, ACT is rapidly being embraced around the world. ACT is supported by extensive ongoing research confirming its effectiveness as a therapeutic approach.

While based on principles of behavioral psychology, ACT  has striking similarities with many ancient Eastern traditions, particularly one’s with a Mindfulness base. In this respect, the approach can be described as both radically new as well drawing on some ancient approaches.

Marriage and Couple Therapy sessions using ACT : What to expect?

* Marriage and Couple Therapy sessions using ACT skills are highly focused skill-building sessions which introduce ACT strategies and skills: no previous knowledge of ACT is assumed or required.

* Marriage and couples therapy sessions using ACT skills provide a safe, relaxed and comfortable space for learning new skills. The atmosphere is easy going usually with a fair amount of humour.

* Skills are taught in sessions which usually are between one hour and ninety minutes. Sometimes longer sessions are scheduled, if requested.

* Homework is an important component of the therapy work. This might include practicing newly learned skills, small amounts of reading, keeping a log and giving feedback.

*ACT with Couples therapy provides a highly effective complement to the  Gottman Couples therapy  as well as Mindfulness and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) based approaches.

(Click on) Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) in Couples and Marriage Therapy.

(Click on) Gottman Couples Therapy

For partners in Couples and Marriage Therapy, Couples Therapy using ACT is really about building skills which:

*  allow partners to be more aware, present and engaged with themselves and their partner;

*  allow this awareness to fill each moment of the relationship;

*  allow partners to move from being swept along by endless stories or narratives and judgements and the feelings that they trigger to a much more flexible and adaptable response to the demands of the situation;

*  allow behaviour and action to flow from being more conscious of what is most important in each moment.

Another way of looking at this, is that each partner becomes less likely to be swept away by the stories he or she tell and the strong emotions which often follow. Less likely to react to these negative thoughts and feelings arising in the moment by getting caught up and swept away, much like a small bird in a hurricane. And much less likely to react to negative thoughts and feelings with words, actions and behaviours which cause hurt and harm. And as a consequence, less likely to land up feeling distant and isolated from each other and feeling lonely in the relationship.

The goal is developing Psychological Flexibility in Couples and Marriage therapy

Marriage and Couples therapy using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) draws on certain principles. Perhaps the most encompassing is that of Psychological Flexibility.

What is Psychological Flexibility?

Psychological Flexibility refers to the ability to adapt to a life situation with an openess, awareness and focus – and to take effective action guided by your values – your heart’s deepest desires as to who you want to be, what is most important to you, what you want for yourself in your life. Put slightly differently, psychological flexibility allows one to be more engaged, present and participate more fully in one’s life.

In a very real sense, Marriage and Couples therapy using ACT provides a skill training which allows for greater Awareness and Choice in the moment.

Couples so easily can get swept along and pulled into patterns of connecting which can be very painful. They are often reactive and kneejerk and tend to be very habitual. Sometimes even though the couple is aware that they are getting swept up into a familiar hurtful and unproductive cycle, it can be difficult to stop the process. Sometimes couples are barely aware that this is happening.

So it is very important to be able to slow down what is often a very fast process. Not only to slow down what might be going on but also to put on the brakes. This means being able to recognize what is going on in my head and in my body in the moment. It means paying attention in a slightly different way to what I or my partner  may be used to.

ACT along with other Cognitive, Behavioral and Contemplative therapy approaches, draws strongly on the principles of Mindfulness awareness. The Couples and Marriage therapy focuses extensively on using and practicing Mindfulness techniques and couples are given plenty of opportunity to practice and exercise mindfulness techniques. (click on Mindfulness.)

Mindful awareness allows one to be aware of ones thoughts, feelings, fantasies, stories and other “events” happening in our minds. ACT pays particular attention to these “events” especially the stories or narratives which often shape and direct our reactions in powerful ways.

The Stories we tell are powerful

Consider the following situation: Julie gets up in the morning, comes into the kitchen and the first thing that grabs her attention is the milk carton, out of the fridge and on the shelf. Immediatly, Julie is swept away with thoughts that go like this:

“I hate the way Steve leaves the milk out of the fridge. He’s such a slob. Just like his brother, really. What a total jerk.. honestly, I don’t know why I even stay in this relationship. Man, he makes me so pissed”. I really don’t care anymore – there’s really no point in talking to him.” She walks out the room and slams the door.

This is a powerful story that Julia is telling herself. So powerful and convincing, that as she weaves the story, she becomes more and more frustrated and angry at Steve. Her throat tightens and she begins clenching her jaw. She even begins to have tears of anger and frustration in her eyes.

Notice that Julie’s emotions are very much woven with the thoughts and story which is going on in her head. As the story progresses, Julie is reacting to the story. And the reactions she is having seems to amplify the story. They seem to feed each other – angry, frustrated feelings – harsh, negative, judgemental story – more angry feelings. Finally, Julie lands up at the place where she is convinced that, as she puts it, “I really don’t care anymore. There really is no point in talking to him”. In despair, she shuts down and angrily walks out of the room.

When we get entangled with a story: Cognitive Fusion

From an ACT perspective, Julia is being swept along by her feelings and the story, each feeding each other. What really stands out is that the feelings are intense and all encompassing. Julie is taken over by them. Perhaps even swamped by the negative emotions.

It is as if there is a lens through which she looks at her world and this lens provides the picture she sees. The lens see only the picture which the story paints.

From an ACT perspective, Julia is fusing with her story about Steve. And this cognitive fusion is very suffocating for the relationship.

This is not to say that Julia’s perspective doesn’t hold validity – it might well be true that Steve is a bit forgetful. Maybe even a lot. And he might also be less concerned about tidyness – definitely more of a slob. The problem is that the more that Julie gets swept away with the story and its strong feelings, she is restricted in her ability to respond.

The more her behavior is driven by her reaction to the strong feelings and the story and – as if in a feedback loop -  the strong feelings and the story and so on, she is less able to respond to the situation, to give herself what is most important, in terms of her values.

Probably most important … Values.

Julie and Steve both really want a relationship based on the values of respect, kindness, consideration, caring, tenderness – actually these are values that frequently come up for most couples.

We want to be kind and respectful to each other. It’s important that we are honest. Also caring and doing what we can to make life easier for each other. This means that we also are kind, soothing, gentle. A really important value is talking together with the goal of coming up with a solution which we can both live with. And creating a climate or atmosphere which feels safe and comfortable for us to talk about what may be important for me.

Julie and Steve share these values.

So for Julie, her reactions to her story bring her to the point that she “doesn’t care any more and that there is no point in talking to Steve” couldn’t be further from her values.

Talking is important in this relationship. Caring for each other is important. The same with being kind, gentle and so on. So throwing up ones arms in despair and saying  “there really is no point in talking to him” doesn’t support the value of connecting and talking.

If Julie were using ACT skills, she would notice the restricted, limiting and judgemental story she tell herself (mindfulness skills) triggered by the milk carton, as well as her physical reactions to the story she tells (again mindfulness skills). She also notices the story growing with stronger emotions (mindfulness, cognitive fusion).

She chooses to slow down (mindfulness, emotional regulation) and gently allows her story to expand, noticing Steve’s negative, as well as many positive qualities.

A more encompassing, less restrictive story is that Steve is a wonderful father, an excellent provider, a terrible tennis player, a great cook, quite a slob in the kitchen, a terrible toilet roll changer and a gentle, caring and considerate lover (mindfulness, psychological flexibility, values). Of course this story got lost, eclipsed by the much narrower and judgemental slice of story which Julie initially fused with and held on too.

And Julie would be aware of her need (mindfulness, values) to talk to Steve about the kitchen clean up and the fact that she was  experiencing (mindfulness, values) some frustration that he had agreed to put the milk carton away.

Marriage and Couple Therapy sessions using ACT : What to expect?

* Marriage and Couple Therapy sessions using ACT skills are highly focused skill-building sessions which introduce ACT strategies and skills: no previous knowledge of ACT is assumed or required.

* Marriage and couples therapy sessions using ACT skills provide a safe, relaxed and comfortable space for learning new skills. The atmosphere is easy going usually with a fair amount of humour.

* Skills are taught in sessions which usually are between one hour and ninety minutes. Sometimes longer sessions are scheduled, if requested.

* Homework is an important component of the therapy work. This might include practicing newly learned skills, small amounts of reading, keeping a log and giving feedback.

*ACT with Couples and Marriage counseling provides a highly effective complement to the  Gottman Couples therapy approach (click on) as well as Mindfulness and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) (click on) based approaches.

Additional rescources:

ACT Effectiveness Research

http://contextualpsychology.org/effectivenessarticles

Research Summary

http://contextualpsychology.org/ResearchSummaries

Act Studies

http://contextualpsychology.org/analogue_studies_component_studies_and_correlational_studies

Further Reading:

“ACT with Love”  (Acceptance and Comittment Therapy with Couples) – Russ Harris MD.

“The Mindful Couple” – Robyn Walser Ph.D.

“Psychological Flexibility: ACT in Action” – Steven Hayes Ph.D.

“ACT made Simple” – Russ Harris MD.

“The Miracle of Mindfulness: a Manual on Meditation” – Thich Nhat Hanh.

“Wherever you go, there you are : Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life” – Jon Kabat-Zinn Ph.D

“Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage” by John Gottman Ph.D. and Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D.

Whenever someone in the village does something wrong or hurts another person, the entire village forms a circle surrounding the culprit. Each person then has to name at least one positive quality which this person has. This might be done by drawing their attention to something which the person does or has done which shows this positive and wonderful quality. So the person might find himself surrounded by memories and reminders of the times he was kind to someone in the village, took care of a sick child, helped out on a task and so on.

In the Couples counseling and therapy sessions, guided by the research-based Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT) and Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) we emphasize that taking the time to let our partner know what we value and appreciate about him or her is a very powerful action and is supported by research as a powerful way of building friendship and trust.

Letting our partner know specifically what behavior or behaviors – in other words, what things he or she does that  support the values we uphold in our relationship.  Value clarification is central to Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT) and Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT).

This means having to be very specific and concrete, letting our partner know what it is that he or she does that supports the particular value.

The Couples, marriage and relationship therapy process will usually include an exercise designed to bring attention and awareness to these behaviors. It might look like this.

“Steve, I really appreciate your kindness and consideration, the way in which you make sure that our car is filled with gas… and also, your caring.. . the way you always bring me hot coffee in bed on weekend mornings”.

In the example above, the values of kindness, consideration  were supported by Steve’s  actions by filling up the car with gas and preparing a bubble bath for Debbie.  Also the value of caring was fed by Debbie’s bringing him coffee in bed.

Or, “Debbie, I love your humour and silliness and playfulness… you really crack me up. Also your really delicious stews which you make with so much care… your caring and taking time to cook really means a lot to me.”

Sounds trivial and maybe even a bit corny. But keeping the values which we cherish in our relationship alive means feeding them with action, with behaviors, with what we do.

Imagine throwing a pebble into a calm lake. First the splash of water, then the ripples radiate out. So it is with actions and deeds of caring and kindness which support our values. Filling the empty car tank with gas, even when it inconvenient to do so – the  pebble gets thrown into the water – the ripples of kindness and consideration radiate.

In the Couples therapy and counseling sessions drawing on Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT) and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) we  emphasize that recognizing and appreciating these qualities in our partner is an essential building block of a loving friendship. We don’t blink an eye as we put energy into complaining and trashing our partner. Yet a fraction of time or energy typically gets put into letting our partner know what we value and appreciate.

Try it for two weeks. Tell your partner about two or three things they do which you really appreciate, value, love, admire or enjoy. Do this each day. Remember, it has to be a specific action or behaviour. But don’t forget the ripples in the water – let them know what value or quality the action or reveals. This may sound like: “I really appreciate the way you folded all the laundry..You know, I really value your kindness and consideration” .

I invite you to give it a try. You’ll find the result interesting.

__________________________

Other important research-based approaches with strong relevance to Marriage and Couples counseling:

Gottman Couples Therapy (click on)

Acceptance and Comittment Therapy (ACT) in Marriage and Couples Therapy: An overview (click on)

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) in Couples and Marriage Therapy (click on)

Both were engaged in a tirade of insults and complaints along with a good assortment of very colorful and negative adjectives. I was struck by the intensity and power of the negativity, the harshness, insults, put downs and criticisms – I’m sure that you get the picture.

In relationship and marriage counseling, using the Gottman couples therapy approach and Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) , I’m constantly amazed at how much more energy goes into negative interactions like complaining, insulting and criticizing: so much more than into positive, supportive and affirming communications.  Somehow, the passion and energy are much stronger when it comes to trashing and criticizing our partner. It seems like  its so much easier to complain about what we don’t like versus telling our partner what we value and appreciate about them.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that couples should avoid complaining or letting each other know what they do that annoys pisses you off. Complaining effectively is   a very important skill – particularly being able to  transform the complaint into a request.

The challenging reality that couples all to often face is when critical, harsh negative statements outweigh the more positive ones. In fact current research into marriage and relationship resiliance and success by John and Julie Gottman, points strongly to the importance of the ratio of negative, critical communications to positive and affirming communications. Five positive to one negative is optimal. When this ratio is altered, harshness and criticism dominate.

This increased harshness and criticism catalyzes the couple drifting apart , and further away from each other.
The outcome is increased loneliness, distance and isolation within the relationship. This elevated intensity of negative emotions also increases the risk of diffuse physiological arousal or DPA which can give rise to emotional Flooding. This can be very damaging and hurtful to the relationship.

So it is critical that we store up a good reservoir of positive regard: its like a surplus on hand. This is done by letting our partner know what we appreciate and cherish about him or her. Particularly what he or she does that upholds or feeds the values and things we want in our relationship.

Energizing fondness and appreciation for our partner is vital: from a research point of view its essential to building friendship and trust.

“We seem to have drifted apart since Sara was born… we just don’t connect like we used to.”

“I don’t know how to deal with the tiredness and irritability.. we seem to be exhausted all the time and at each other non-stop”

“We really find it hard to find time for each other – its like our relationship hardly exists any more – except for being there for the kids. Its a drag.”

“I miss the warmth and affection… I mean, the baby seems to get it all… and we hardly touch each other anymore..”

“This is much more challenging than I ever expected.. I think we really need support and skills..”

The pressures and stressors which impact on a relationship with a new baby are significant, amplified in no small part by the relentlessness of the work. Simply put: there is no break. So the demands of a new baby really impacts on a relationship in powerful ways and its quite natural for couples and relationships to feel overwhelmed as well as emotionally drained.

The good news: there are solid, evidence-based approaches which can dramatically alter the climate of your relationship.

Couples and relationship therapy using Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), Mindfulness approaches and Gottman Couples therapy can transform your relationship in powerful ways.

*  It’s not unusual that what was once an established and orderly daily routine gets turned upside down.

* It’s not unusual that it seems like all the energy and attention   goes to the baby (and children) leaving our relationship behind.

*  It’s not unusual that we seem to bicker and argue a whole lot more.

*  It’s not unusual that we hardly have time for ourselves, let alone the relationship.

*  It’s not unusual that we seem to lose touch with friends and family.

*  It’s not unusual that we are more critical and harsh with each other.

But all is not lost. A core element in marriage and relationship counseling focuses on building a climate of friendship and appreciation and reducing levels of unproductive, energy-draining stress. This means using effective couples therapy approaches to  re-establish affection and caring and tenderness. Toopen ourselves to the possibilty of transforming and recovering a relationship worth having.

It’s as if we need to have fertile soil for the tree to grow. Commitment to the values which we share – and the actions which support these values like respect, affection, commitment, caring – are the soil out of which friendship grows. So a vital aspect of Gottman Marriage and relationship counseling, Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) focuses on developing and optimal relationship climate which allow the affection and caring to grow and develop.

The pressures and stressors which impact on a relationship with a new baby are significant, amplified in no small part by the relentlessness of the work. There is no doubt about it, the stronger the friendship, the more we can work with conflict and differences. And the easier it becomes to repair the relationship after skirmishes or misunderstandings. Couples and relationship therapy using research-based approaches such as Gottman Couples therapy, Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) can provide a powerful framework for transforming, repairing and healing relationships.

The good news, the excellent news for marriage therapy and counseling, is that it is possible to actually learn ways of making our relationship stronger and more resiliant – even with little energy and feeling exhausted and overwhelmed and depleted.

We can make the most of what we have and not amplify or magnify what we might not be so comfortable with.

Couples and relationship therapy using Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) emphasizes skill learning focuses on several areas which strengthen  the couples resiliance to the challenges of parenting. These include skills which:

*  support & prepare our relationship for the Big Change;

*  allow you both to build affection, fondness and warmth;

*   you’ll increase resiliance to stress-producing day to day demands of caring for an infant;

*   you’ll increase in ability to negotiate together, working towards   mutually satisfying solutions;

*   you’ll are more able to clarify values and commit to behavior and action in  support of these values;

*   you’ll increase your ability to regulate conflict and emotional intensity;

*   you’ll increase skills around repairing and healing relationship hurts.

Couples and relationship therapy using Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and Gottman couples therapy can be learned easily and put into practice immediately.

By emphasizing skill learning in marriage counseling and therapy and by focusing on several areas which strengthen  the couples resiliance to the challenges of parenting couples feel more in control and less overwhelmed. Perhaps most important, these skills can be learned easily and put into practice immediately.

These skills

“The smallest things get me really worried – like I’m even dreading the weekend”

” I feel tense a lot and worry about stuff being physically wrong with me”

“I worry about my thinking and feeling anxious all the time”

Some people really sweat the small stuff to the extent that everyday little things – or nothing at all – can really trigger worry, sometimes dread and even physical symptoms. Steve would complain that he felt that there was something “wierd” going on in his body and that something “unexpected and bad” was always “ready” to happen. Julie found it hard to relax with her children and always had long “to do” lists which triggered constant anxiety. Cheryl felt like she had to keep busy, dreaded down time and constantly worried about her children’s well-being while at school.

The feeling that this experience of anxiety is pervasive and happening a lot or most of the time across many situations is called a generalized anxiety disorder. A few things research tells us:

1) Generalized Anxiety Disorder or GAD affects people of all ages & most people are affected between childhood and middle age;

2) Generalized Anxiety disorder (GAD) affects woman twice more often than men;

3)Generalized Anxiety disorder (GAD) often can occur with increased irritability, low energy, disturbed sleep and restlessness;

4)Generalized Anxiety disorder (GAD) often occurs with and increase in headaches and muscular tension;

5)Increased stress contributes to the levels of Generalized Anxiety disorder (GAD);

6)Generalized Anxiety disorder (GAD) can also occur with other symptoms like depression, other anxiety disorders and substance abuse.

Mindfulness meditation and Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) can be  powerful and effective tools for working with anxiety disorders including Generalized Anxiety disorder (GAD). Also somatic or body-centered approaches like Yoga and regular aerobic exercise can increase stress reduction in powerful ways.

* Marriage and couples therapy sessions using Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) skills provide a safe, relaxed and comfortable space for learning new skills. The atmosphere is easy going usually with a fair amount of humour.

* Skills are taught in sessions which usually are between one hour and ninety minutes. Sometimes longer sessions are scheduled, if requested.

* Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) with couples focuses on increasing emotional regulation and effective communication and teaches skills which reduce unproductive conflict, harshness and emotional dysregulation.

*  Homework is an important component of the Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) therapy work. This might include practicing newly learned skills, small amounts of reading, keeping a log and giving feedback.

*  Participants may or may not be part of a Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) skills-training group. Skills are introduced and taught independently or in conjunction with a DBT skill-group.

Additional rescources:

“The High Conflict Couple – A Dialectical Behavior Therapy guide to finding Peace, Intimacy and Validation” – Alan Fruzetti.

“ACT with Love”  (Acceptance and Comittment Therapy with Couples) – Russ Harris MD.

“Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage” by John Gottman Ph.D. and Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D.

“The Miracle of Mindfulness: a Manual on Meditation”- Thich Nhat Hanh.

“Wherever you go, there you are : Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life” – Jon Kabat-Zinn.

The experience also includes her thoughts about Bob. Her thoughts produce a story which goes like this: “ I can’t stand how selfish he is… what a jerk… and really just like his useless brother”.  As the emotions get bigger, her thoughts unfold, all this while she is looking at the empty toilet roll. Her stomach tightens, tension in her throat intensifies. “ I don’t know why I married him “ she continues to herself, “and when we made love last night, he didn’t really care about me. Why do I even bother to talk to him…It’s useless’” More “anger”.

Bob comes into the living room excited about the vacation he is planning. He reaches out to Susan, eager to give her a hug and share travel details with her. She pushes him away with her expression  and he blurts out “What the hell is the matter with you .. I mean you really need to chill” and she retorts with an insulting name and he retorts with a slightly more complex insulting name and the volume increases by about ten decibels and their heart rates, blood pressure and adrenaline increase culminating in Susan storming out of the room crying and Bob clenching his jaw, frozen and unable to talk and both in great pain. Whew! And most amazing of all, this all happens in a couple of seconds sometimes even less.

Lets take a moment to look at what might happen if Sue and Bob used Dialectical Behavioral therapy (DBT)  derived skills – exercising Mindfulness, Emotional Regulation, Distress tolerance and Effective communication around the empty toilet roll incident.

For starters, Sue would notice the empty toilet roll as well as the sensations of tightness, tension and clenching in her body (mindfulness) as well as the thoughts going on in her head (more mindfulness). She would also notice the tendency of the thoughts to contain strong and harsh judgements about Bob (more mindfulness) which are bringing on more intense sensations.

She would also notice that she was emotionally sensitive with low blood sugar and feeling tired after an irritating day at work (mindfulness, chain analysis) and that her narrative or story was expanding beyond the incident itself (more mindfulness) and wasn’t really serving the values of the relationship (mindfulness, values).

As Bob reaches out for a hug, she is aware of her angry feelings and pauses for a few moments (emotional regulation, distress tolerance) breathing and grounding herself. She tells Bob that she doesn’t feel warm towards him at that moment (mindfulness, emotional regulation) and wants to talk about shared tasks in the house including replacing empty toilet rolls. She also notices that she is hungry (more mindfulness) and wants to have the discussion after eating.

She leaves the room thinking that he is really overall quite a nice guy, cooks extremely well, is also very stressed out at work, is very loving towards her most of the time and is also an incredible slob (mindfulness, acceptance, expanded narrative, values clarification).

Moreover, that certain issues are probably never going to go away (mindfulness, acceptance) and they really need to work on managing the perpetual problem (values clarification).

Lets look at the following scene. When Susan, tired and hungry following a day’s work, notices that Bob hasn’t changed the toilet roll – again,  she experiences a tightness in her stomach, tension in her throat and clenching of her jaw muscles. She labels this flow of sensations, this experience “anger”.

The experience also includes her thoughts about Bob. Her thoughts produce a story which goes like this: “ I can’t stand how selfish he is… what a jerk… and really just like his useless brother”.  As the emotions get bigger, her thoughts unfold, all this while she is looking at the empty toilet roll. Her stomach tightens, tension in her throat intensifies. “ I don’t know why I married him “ she continues to herself, “and when we made love last night, he didn’t really care about me. Why do I even bother to talk to him…It’s useless’” More “anger”.

Bob comes into the living room excited about the vacation he is planning. He reaches out to Susan, eager to give her a hug and share travel details with her. She pushes him away with her expression  and he blurts out “What the hell is the matter with you .. I mean you really need to chill” and she retorts with an insulting name and he retorts with a slightly more complex insulting name and the volume increases by about ten decibels and their heart rates, blood pressure and adrenaline increase culminating in Susan storming out of the room crying and Bob clenching his jaw, frozen and unable to talk and both in great pain. Whew! And most amazing of all, this all happens in a couple of seconds sometimes even less.

Emotional Arousal affects what one does and how one thinks

It is well established that emotional arousal affects what one does and how one thinks.  Research from about one hundred years ago points out that while low or moderate amounts of stress and arousal help keep one focused, alert and on task for example, a job interview or  making a presentation – however, when the arousal increases beyond a moderate level, reactions change dramatically.

With higher levels of arousal generally, attention is focused on escaping or getting away from the high level of emotion.

Fruzetti has researched high-conflict couples extensively and makes the point that when attention is reoriented to escape, that may be considered the moment at which what is called “emotional dysregulation” begins.

When the emotional system becomes dysregulated, it gets in the way of being able to respond effectively to the situation.

This is simply because parts of the brain are activated which interfere with effective problem solving and strategic thinking.  What happens typically, is that one’s perspective becomes more narrow and tunnel-like with an emphasis again on escaping or getting away from the uncomfortable or painful situation. It becomes almost impossible to see things from the point of view of one’s partner. In this state of emotional arousal, validation of one’s partner, essential to communicating effectively, becomes impossible.

In a future blog, I’ll explore