Acceptance and Commitment therapy with Marriage and Couples therapy

Acceptance and Comittment therapy (ACT) is a revolutionary new development in human psychology. Originally developed for treating anxiety and depression, the principles of ACT can be applied to a broad range of human concerns, including Marriage and Couple therapy.

Originally developed in the USA, ACT is rapidly being embraced around the world. ACT is supported by extensive ongoing research confirming its effectiveness as a therapeutic approach.

While based on principles of behavioral psychology, ACT has striking similarities with many ancient Eastern traditions, particularly one’s with a Mindfulness base. In this respect, the approach can be described as both radically new as well drawing on some ancient approaches.

Marriage and Couple Therapy sessions using ACT : What to expect?

* Marriage and Couple Therapy sessions using ACT skills are highly focused skill-building sessions which introduce ACT strategies and skills: no previous knowledge of ACT is assumed or required.

* Marriage and couples therapy sessions using ACT skills provide a safe, relaxed and comfortable space for learning new skills. The atmosphere is easy going usually with a fair amount of humour.

* Skills are taught in sessions which usually are between one hour and ninety minutes. Sometimes longer sessions are scheduled, if requested.

* Homework is an important component of the therapy work. This might include practicing newly learned skills, small amounts of reading, keeping a log and giving feedback.

*ACT with Couples therapy provides a highly effective complement to the Gottman Couples therapy as well as Mindfulness and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) based approaches.

(Click on) Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) in Couples and Marriage Therapy.

(Click on) Gottman Couples Therapy

For partners in Couples and Marriage Therapy, Couples Therapy using ACT is really about building skills which:

* allow partners to be more aware, present and engaged with themselves and their partner;

* allow this awareness to fill each moment of the relationship;

* allow partners to move from being swept along by endless stories or narratives and judgements and the feelings that they trigger to a much more flexible and adaptable response to the demands of the situation;

* allow behaviour and action to flow from being more conscious of what is most important in each moment.

Another way of looking at this, is that each partner becomes less likely to be swept away by the stories he or she tell and the strong emotions which often follow. Less likely to react to these negative thoughts and feelings arising in the moment by getting caught up and swept away, much like a small bird in a hurricane. And much less likely to react to negative thoughts and feelings with words, actions and behaviours which cause hurt and harm. And as a consequence, less likely to land up feeling distant and isolated from each other and feeling lonely in the relationship.

The goal is Psychological Flexibility in Couples and Marriage therapy

Marriage and Couples therapy using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) draws on certain principles. Perhaps the most encompassing is that of Psychological Flexibility.

What is Psychological Flexibility?

Psychological Flexibility refers to the ability to adapt to a life situation with an openess, awareness and focus – and to take effective action guided by your values – your heart’s deepest desires as to who you want to be, what is most important to you, what you want for yourself in your life. Put slightly differently, psychological flexibility allows one to be more engaged, present and participate more fully in one’s life.

In a very real sense, Marriage and Couples therapy using ACT provides a skill training which allows for greater Awareness and Choice in the moment.

Couples so easily can get swept along and pulled into patterns of connecting which can be very painful. They are often reactive and kneejerk and tend to be very habitual. Sometimes even though the couple is aware that they are getting swept up into a familiar hurtful and unproductive cycle, it can be difficult to stop the process. Sometimes couples are barely aware that this is happening.

So it is very important to be able to slow down what is often a very fast process. Not only to slow down what might be going on but also to put on the brakes. This means being able to recognize what is going on in my head and in my body in the moment. It means paying attention in a slightly different way to what I or my partner may be used to.

ACT along with other Cognitive, Behavioral and Contemplative therapy approaches, draws strongly on the principles of Mindfulness awareness. The Couples and Marriage therapy focuses extensively on using and practicing Mindfulness techniques and couples are given plenty of opportunity to practice and exercise mindfulness techniques. (click on Mindfulness.)

Mindful awareness allows one to be aware of ones thoughts, feelings, fantasies, stories and other “events” happening in our minds. ACT pays particular attention to these “events” especially the stories or narratives which often shape and direct our reactions in powerful ways.

The Stories we tell are powerful

Consider the following situation: Julie gets up in the morning, comes into the kitchen and the first thing that grabs her attention is the milk carton, out of the fridge and on the shelf. Immediatly, Julie is swept away with thoughts that go like this:

“I hate the way Steve leaves the milk out of the fridge. He’s such a slob. Just like his brother, really. What a total jerk.. honestly, I don’t know why I even stay in this relationship. Man, he makes me so pissed”. I really don’t care anymore – there’s really no point in talking to him.” She walks out the room and slams the door.

This is a powerful story that Julia is telling herself. So powerful and convincing, that as she weaves the story, she becomes more and more frustrated and angry at Steve. Her throat tightens and she begins clenching her jaw. She even begins to have tears of anger and frustration in her eyes.

Notice that Julie’s emotions are very much woven with the thoughts and story which is going on in her head. As the story progresses, Julie is reacting to the story. And the reactions she is having seems to amplify the story. They seem to feed each other – angry, frustrated feelings – harsh, negative, judgemental story – more angry feelings. Finally, Julie lands up at the place where she is convinced that, as she puts it, “I really don’t care anymore. There really is no point in talking to him”. In despair, she shuts down and angrily walks out of the room.

When we get entangled with a story: Cognitive Fusion

From an ACT perspective, Julia is being swept along by her feelings and the story, each feeding each other. What really stands out is that the feelings are intense and all encompassing. Julie is taken over by them. Perhaps even swamped by the negative emotions.

It is as if there is a lens through which she looks at her world and this lens provides the picture she sees. The lens see only the picture which the story paints.

From an ACT perspective, Julia is fusing with her story about Steve. And this cognitive fusion is very suffocating for the relationship.

This is not to say that Julia’s perspective doesn’t hold validity – it might well be true that Steve is a bit forgetful. Maybe even a lot. And he might also be less concerned about tidyness – definitely more of a slob. The problem is that the more that Julie gets swept away with the story and its strong feelings, she is restricted in her ability to respond.

The more her behavior is driven by her reaction to the strong feelings and the story and – as if in a feedback loop - the strong feelings and the story and so on, she is less able to respond to the situation, to give herself what is most important, in terms of her values.

Probably most important … Values.

Julie and Steve both really want a relationship based on the values of respect, kindness, consideration, caring, tenderness – actually these are values that frequently come up for most couples.

We want to be kind and respectful to each other. It’s important that we are honest. Also caring and doing what we can to make life easier for each other. This means that we also are kind, soothing, gentle. A really important value is talking together with the goal of coming up with a solution which we can both live with. And creating a climate or atmosphere which feels safe and comfortable for us to talk about what may be important for me.

Julie and Steve share these values.

So for Julie, her reactions to her story bring her to the point that she “doesn’t care any more and that there is no point in talking to Steve” couldn’t be further from her values.

Talking is important in this relationship. Caring for each other is important. The same with being kind, gentle and so on. So throwing up ones arms in despair and saying “there really is no point in talking to him” doesn’t support the value of connecting and talking.

If Julie were using ACT skills, she would notice the restricted, limiting and judgemental story she tell herself (mindfulness skills) triggered by the milk carton, as well as her physical reactions to the story she tells (again mindfulness skills). She also notices the story growing with stronger emotions (mindfulness, cognitive fusion).

She chooses to slow down (mindfulness, emotional regulation) and gently allows her story to expand, noticing Steve’s negative, as well as many positive qualities.

A more encompassing, less restrictive story is that Steve is a wonderful father, an excellent provider, a terrible tennis player, a great cook, quite a slob in the kitchen, a terrible toilet roll changer and a gentle, caring and considerate lover (mindfulness, psychological flexibility, values). Of course this story got lost, eclipsed by the much narrower and judgemental slice of story which Julie initially fused with and held on too.

And Julie would be aware of her need (mindfulness, values) to talk to Steve about the kitchen clean up and the fact that she was experiencing (mindfulness, values) some frustration that he had agreed to put the milk carton away.

Marriage and Couple Therapy sessions using ACT : What to expect?

* Marriage and Couple Therapy sessions using ACT skills are highly focused skill-building sessions which introduce ACT strategies and skills: no previous knowledge of ACT is assumed or required.

* Marriage and couples therapy sessions using ACT skills provide a safe, relaxed and comfortable space for learning new skills. The atmosphere is easy going usually with a fair amount of humour.

* Skills are taught in sessions which usually are between one hour and ninety minutes. Sometimes longer sessions are scheduled, if requested.

* Homework is an important component of the therapy work. This might include practicing newly learned skills, small amounts of reading, keeping a log and giving feedback.

*ACT with Couples and Marriage counseling provides a highly effective complement to the Gottman Couples therapy approach (click on) as well as Mindfulness and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) (click on) based approaches.