Some couples experience high levels of conflict. Reactions are triggered, sometimes in an instant. They seem to move quickly to anger, harshness, blame, criticism and hostility. Flare ups are common. Out-of-control emotions appear all too frequently, dominating the relationship.
How I respond to my partner, how my partner responds to me shapes my emotions in very important ways. When I experience my partner understanding and validating what’s going on for me, I feel valued, cared for, even soothed. When I experience harshness, criticism and invalidation, its like salt on an open wound. Over time the pain and suffering which partners endure creates distance, isolation and lonliness. What was once a haven of caring and warmth now feels cold and toxic. No question about it, these hurtful and painful ways of relating are stressful and exhausting.
Reactive couples very much want to move out of what seems to be these inevitable cycles of painful escalation, yet seem really unable to do so. These couples need more than intimacy-building or communication techniques on how to improve their love relationships.
They need to get control of emotions first , to stop making things worse.
Only then building a better relationship becomes possible.
Over the past years, I’ve been using “The High Conflict Couple – a Dialectical Behavior Therapy guide to finding Peace, Intimacy and Validation” by Alan Fruzetti in my work with couples struggling with high levels of painful and unproductive conflict. This approach provides an outstanding set of strategies and approaches which are taught in the couples and marriage counseling sessions.
The starting point is getting a better handle on what we call “emotions”.
Understanding Emotions and Emotional Dysregulation.
Our emotional system is complex involving many components.
Lets look at the following scene. When Susan, tired and hungry following a day’s work, notices that Bob hasn’t changed the toilet roll – again, she experiences a tightness in her stomach, tension in her throat and clenching of her jaw muscles. She labels this flow of sensations, this experience “anger”.
The experience also includes her thoughts about Bob. Her thoughts produce a story which goes like this: “ I can’t stand how selfish he is… what a jerk… and really just like his useless brother”. As the emotions get bigger, her thoughts unfold, all this while she is looking at the empty toilet roll. Her stomach tightens, tension in her throat intensifies. “ I don’t know why I married him “ she continues to herself, “and when we made love last night, he didn’t really care about me. Why do I even bother to talk to him…It’s useless’” More “anger”.
Bob comes into the living room excited about the vacation he is planning.
He reaches out to Susan, eager to give her a hug and share travel details with her. She pushes him away with her expression and he blurts out “What the hell is the matter with you .. I mean you really need to chill” and she retorts with an insulting name and he retorts with a slightly more complex insulting name and the volume increases by about ten decibels and their heart rates, blood pressure and adrenaline increase culminating in Susan storming out of the room crying and Bob clenching his jaw, frozen and unable to talk and both in great pain. Whew! And most amazing of all, this all happens in a couple of seconds sometimes even less.
Emotional Arousal affects what one does and how one thinks
It is well established that emotional arousal affects what one does and how one thinks. Research from about one hundred years ago points out that while low or moderate amounts of stress and arousal help keep one focused, alert and on task for example, a job interview or making a presentation – however, when the arousal increases beyond a moderate level, reactions change dramatically.
With higher levels of arousal generally, attention is focused on escaping or getting away from the high level of emotion.
Fruzetti has researched high-conflict couples extensively and makes the point that when attention is reoriented to escape, that may be considered the moment at which what is called “emotional dysregulation” begins.
When the emotional system becomes dysregulated, it gets in the way of being able to respond effectively to the situation.
This is simply because parts of the brain are activated which interfere with effective problem solving and strategic thinking. What happens typically, is that one’s perspective becomes more narrow and tunnel-like with an emphasis again on escaping or getting away from the uncomfortable or painful situation. It becomes almost impossible to see things from the point of view of one’s partner. In this state of emotional arousal, validation of one’s partner, essential to communicating effectively, becomes impossible.
Putting it all together: DBT skills in action:
Lets take a moment to look at what might happen if Sue and Bob used DBT derived skills – exercising Mindfulness, Emotional Regulation, Distress tolerance and Effective communication around the empty toilet roll incident.
For starters, Sue would notice the empty toilet roll as well as the sensations of tightness, tension and clenching in her body (mindfulness) as well as the thoughts going on in her head (more mindfulness). She would also notice the tendency of the thoughts to contain strong and harsh judgements about Bob (more mindfulness) which are bringing on more intense sensations.
She would also notice that she was emotionally sensitive with low blood sugar and feeling tired after an irritating day at work (mindfulness, chain analysis) and that her narrative or story was expanding beyond the incident itself (more mindfulness) and wasn’t really serving the values of the relationship (mindfulness, values).
As Bob reaches out for a hug, she is aware of her angry feelings and pauses for a few moments (emotional regulation, distress tolerance) breathing and grounding herself. She tells Bob that she doesn’t feel warm towards him at that moment (mindfulness, emotional regulation) and wants to talk about shared tasks in the house including replacing empty toilet rolls. She also notices that she is hungry (more mindfulness) and wants to have the discussion after eating.
She leaves the room thinking that he is really overall quite a nice guy, cooks extremely well, is also very stressed out at work, is very loving towards her most of the time and is also an incredible slob (mindfulness, acceptance, expanded narrative, values clarification).
Moreover, that certain issues are probably never going to go away (mindfulness, acceptance) and they really need to work on managing the perpetual problem (values clarification).
Principles of DBT in Couple and relationship therapy
* DBT in Couple’s and relationship therapy takes a non-judgemental approach promoting acceptance and validation of each partner as well as one self. Another way of putting this – developing a mindful awareness of my own experience moment to moment. And awareness of my experience of my partner. And awareness of what goes on for me in this moment to moment experiencing.
* DBT in Couple’s and relationship therapy also focuses on what is needed for change. Shifting from negative and invalidating responses and judgements to one’s partner as well one self is woven with increasing one’s own emotional self-regulation and distress tolerance.
* Central to DBT in Couple’s and relationship therapy is developing the skills to shift from emotional dysregulation to increased regulation and effective communication;
* DBT in Couple’s and relationship therapy includes developing skills around self-expression - needs, thoughts, concerns, yearnings – and developing effective problem-solving skills.
Marriage and Couple Therapy sessions using DBT : What to expect?
* Marriage and Couple Therapy sessions using DBT skills are highly focused skill-building sessions which introduce DBT strategies and skills: no previous knowledge of DBT is assumed or required.
* Marriage and couples therapy sessions using DBT skills provide a safe, relaxed and comfortable space for learning new skills. The atmosphere is easy going usually with a fair amount of humour.
* Skills are taught in sessions which usually are between one hour and ninety minutes. Sometimes longer sessions are scheduled, if requested.
* Homework is an important component of the therapy work. This might include practicing newly learned skills, small amounts of reading, keeping a log and giving feedback.
* Participants may or may not be part of a DBT skills-training group. Skills are introduced and taught independantly or in conjunction with a DBT skill-group.
Additional rescources:
“The High Conflict Couple – A Dialectical Behavior Therapy guide to finding Peace, Intimacy and Validation” – Alan Fruzetti.
“ACT with Love” (Acceptance and Comittment Therapy with Couples) – Russ Harris MD.
“Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage” by John Gottman Ph.D. and Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D.
“The Miracle of Mindfulness: a Manual on Meditation”- Thich Nhat Hanh.
“Wherever you go, there you are : Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life” – Jon Kabat-Zinn.